[20 Dec 2009|12:27pm] nghtblckpanther Things I'd like for Christmas: 1. Hugs. 2. Top surgery funds 3. People to be honest in the city, kind. Courteous. Leave a note when you hit my truck. 4. To be able to understand why people like, enjoy, making other people suffer. Why some people are always so dramatic? Childish? 5. To have done well in classes this semester. 6. For people around me to see my innate joys - not clothes, or anything "pop culture". I'd benefit more from a new glass enclosure, a better incubating system, shipping supplies, maybe funds for a website. Geckos? Nice orchids? 7. Happiness, and freedom in being where the snow is clean, where the birds are not invasive. 8. Dan to forgive me for all the beating I've done onto him. 9. - To fix all Dan's dents. 10. Mostly for everyone to stop getting angry with me and be happy. replaced with paranoia

[19 Dec 2009|10:34pm] nghtblckpanther You blow me off just as often as I do it to you. I don't ever want to hear you pull that again. I'm sitting in my dorm room alone, since everyone else here has left. I thought we were supposed to have plans. If you're trying to manifest karma against me, stop. This is fucking retarded. Drama is also wonderful, so is watching my truck get backed into, so is working on Christmas Eve. I'm not driving down to see you this break. Nor do I expect - rather want - you to come up and visit me. Fuck you Kristina and Kimmie you moronic slutty fags. I'm beginning to hate most queers. Thanks to really awesome people that give homosexuals a great name :) 1 empty heart|replaced with paranoia

[17 Dec 2009|02:18pm] nghtblckpanther Last night was amazing. Super sex, super feeling, so I'm super nice-feeling today. Haha, i don't know if that makes any sense. Anyway. I'm just happy. I have to work tonight, but I don't care. Actually, I'm happy to. I STARTED DRAWING AGAIN!!! Like the first time since April. I need to work on figure sketching. It's incredible how much I've changed, I went from drawing animals and nature and only that to now focusing on the human. I'm finally just so happy in my own body. Granted - sometimes, like today, I do wish I had fur. I love Christmas time. It's so interesting how my view on it has changed too. Last year it was all snowy, being inside was awesome, with a hot drink. Now I want Christmas sex (haha, typical, yes?) and to go romp around in the snow with a draft horse and cut firewood and fight wolves. It doesn't feel like winter. I mean, it's cold, but it's bright today, sunny. Maybe if it snowed. But I don't want to stay inside, I don't feel the comfort as much as in the past. My face is furry, and I love the feeling of fingers so cold they begin to get hot again, cold thighs. There are some sad things that I'm having trouble thinking through. I'm doing some bio - endocrinology - research here. And we have to sacrifice sparrows in order to look at the receptors. I had to collect blood samples yesterday. I just feel so sad, even though I know they're invasive and everything. I mean... they look at you. They blink. I don't know how to deal with it, I know it's ok, but it's managing that feeling and being able to unpack it. I don't know how. On top of that, I have a gecko with metabolic bone disease. Mainly, he has osteoporosis. Really bad. He looks like jello, but is the happiest, shakiest little guy. And I know he'd be in a lot less pain if I killed him, but I don't have the heart to do it. On top of that, the first born gecko that I hatched out has MBD too. I'm watching him get worse and worse, though his other two sibs are doing ok so far. I don't know if I should kill him now, or watch him turn into the old guy. I don't want him to be in as much physical pain as it looks like :( Also, I killed a snapping turtle back in August, over this summer or something. My dad and I had gotten him a year before that, found him crossing a road, and brought him to a pond. There were no other snappers there, but lots of sunfish for him to eat. I saw him on a road not too far away, he had gotten hit by a car. Death isn't something clean nor painless ever. He was still alive, despite the gore. And It was my fault. I should have walked further away from roads, or put him someplace where there were other turtles. Something. So I had to finish it. And I couldn't deal with it then. I felt like Erica didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe that was my fault for saying I was fine, or not telling her. I got mad, and kicked the garage door. Punched stuff. Teak died a few weeks ago. I knew she was sick. She was the most beautiful turtle I've ever seen. She was so sick when my dad found her. Sometimes I really want to cry, because I know it would, used to help. But I can't, and it doesn't help any more. I don't know how to deal with the guilt-feeling, the ouch-in my chest feeling. I don't know what it's called, and I don't know what to do that makes it better. I just get frustrated and break stuff. I've been talking to a woman about it. I'll stop for now, I'm gonna finish my coffee, clean up this sketch, then run out to ship a present out for someone. Hopefully she'll like it. It's for a secret Santa we did on a reptile forum. It's a little late, but hopefully she will get it in time. It's some wood for her geckos, and I think I'm gonna get her a movie she likes. Or a poster of some Twilight thing haha. replaced with paranoia

[11 Dec 2009|04:14am] nghtblckpanther I never feel like enough sometimes. I just want to be happy. Have friends. Get the college experience while I can. My heart is hurting a lot tonight. When I see her, it brings up such past. Then I look at myself now, and wonder where the hell that person went. I was a better person. Chivalrous, courteous, kind. Now... I always knew I'd need to find myself again, after H.B. I think I really changed. Got jaded. Felt anger. And this one used to be the sweetest girl I know. Now I'm watching her change. I've completely done so much damage, and for some reason it seems like I can't stop. Maybe before me was happiness. And this hurts so much right now, but tomorrow... I have to. I can't keep hurting her like this. I need to find myself again, and learn appreciation. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I know. Talking to H.N. just seems to bring up aching memories of my better self. I know she can be a good friend, and she always has been. Maybe I just don't know how to talk about anything anymore. I blinked, and all of a sudden everything changed. S.I., my older sister had feelings for me. E.S. became jaded from all the knives I'd cut her with. H.N. and I could have a conversation. T.W. has a boyfriend, or something. E.K. is the college-going girl who's enjoying herself. And now it seems that only me and Maria are the ones left back. Her once lively basement is quiet, and I live alone. I don't know what or how I feel, ever. I don't know where I'm going. But, living alone... That's the worst part. Coming to college, I wasn't homesick. Having someone who loved me made it home. But now, after all of it, I've ruined it time and again. I know she'll say that "we can fix it", but honestly, I've always known that I need to move out of what's home. Be homesick. Hurt, think, and choose. This may be long, and I'm sorry. I remember last Christmas, you came to visit me in the hospital. You loved me then, and after, and before. Honestly, I can't say that I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm sorry for not feeling as though I had been ready to meet you. Watching you get angry now, I'm becoming that insecure person again. It hurts too much to be, and since that change in April, I've always been one to avoid any unsettling emotion. You've done so much for me, I can't even begin to thank you. Rescued me, nurtured me, saved me. And I can't even begin to apologize for the lack of substance I've given back. In the fall, you'd talk about N. a lot. Everything is cyclic, right? As it comes down to it, I need to go. There's an inner battle with myself, and I know half of me is going to die. But I know it's the best. I know that way, it will only be one more thing you hurt for. And only one more thing I can fuck up. Maybe life will be safer once I'm with my family and out of my single, lonely room. There is so much more to say, and I'm afraid that I don't even know how to say it. I'm so sorry that I've changed you. Please stay the innocent, loving person you've always been. Don't turn into what I have. replaced with paranoia

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